I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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