Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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