Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
