It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
