man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
