I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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