the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
