we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
