I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
