Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
