i may or may not be watching the land before time
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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