You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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