My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
