party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
