I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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