we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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