I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
