You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
