i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize