hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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