everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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