She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did I show you my penis last night?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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