I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
