i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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