I need to stop coming to work sober
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
