Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
