Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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