my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
