apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
