I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
