ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You made out with two different species that night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
