im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
