i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
