is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
