Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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