I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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