i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
