Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
