They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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