When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
