got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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