You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
