First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
