why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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