He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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