He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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