I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Jerry, you need to find god
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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