It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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