im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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