david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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