I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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