I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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