ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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