I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
