he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
