please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
