My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize