I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
